Want to Unmask but Don't Know Where To Start? Here's My Advice!

A lot of late diagnosed autistic people, once realising they're autistic, also realise that they've spent their whole lives pretending to be someone they're not. They've spent their whole life living uncomfortably for the sake of catering to other people.

And heck, even early diagnosed autistic people can have similar experiences. They also feel a need to mask thanks to the societal stigma of autism. To survive in this society, one not made for us, we have to mask to some degree.

But masking is tiring, and can lead to awful burnouts from just pushing yourself through uncomfortable experiences for so long. And to avoid constantly drifting in and out of burnout for the rest of your life, you might want to unmask.

First it needs to be said, that masking is not really an on-off switch. There's different levels and degrees of masking. Some people mask more than others. And there are ways to unmask in some ways, but keep the mask up in others. And this may be necessary for people to survive and stay out of danger - especially for minorities who already face large amounts of dangerous discrimination from society. If they then display autistic traits, they're more likely to be seen as a threat.

But that doesn't mean masking is any less exhausting for them. And they also deserve a chance to lessen the burden. They might just have to pick and choose what they "unmask" to make sure they can do so in a way that is safe.

And we also need to acknowledge that not everyone will mask in the same way. My masking tactics may be different to your masking tactics, which may be different to another autistic person's masking tactics.

Therefore, the advice I give here may or may not be relevant to you. I don't intend to leave anything out specifically, I just can only give so much advice. I'm just an autistic person who is interested in autism - i'm by no means an expert or therapist or whatever. This is just advice based on my experiences and what I know.

So lets get into it!

Some unmasking tactics that I have implemented throughout my life (and that i'll be covering today) are:

• Stimming

• accepting accomodations

• learning to say no

• stop forcing eye-contact

• accepting silence/allowing for processing time.

I'll cover each of these individually, so feel free to scroll around to what you need the most and what is relevant to you!

Stimming

Part of unmasking is learning to let yourself stim again. We may stim as a young child, but we're called weird for them, or told they're inappropriate, and so we learn to suppress them. Early diagnosed autistic people who were subject to ABA, may have been trained to suppress their stims as part of ABA therapy. So many autistic people are taught to suppress their stims, or redirect them to subtler stims that won't be noticed, that may not be as satisfying or useful.

Learning to let go of the shame of stimming can be difficult. It's so engrained into us that it can be like trying to break a bad habit. But it’s ok to start small and build up. Start with those subtle stims, like finger tapping, or using a small stim toy in your pocket. Pay attention to people around you and how much they are noticing those stims - likely not at all. Over time you may start to learn that people are more worried about themselves and how they come across, than focusing on you fiddling with something, or wiggling your fingers a bit. Once you start to realise that, and get more comfortable, then you can build up, and start to do more obvious stims. Start flapping your hands or rocking.

And it’s ok to "try out" different stims. Sometimes it can feel like you're “faking” stims, but it’s not that at all. Stims are, for the most part, voluntary. You can try stims and see what works for you. Then over time as you get more comfortable with letting yourself stim, you might find yourself subconsciously stimming in ways that your body reverts to naturally. You can find your natural stims again.

I recommend when you’re alone, in your room or a safe space, play some music you love, and just try and learn to let your body go, let it do what it wants to. It might feel a bit ridiculous or silly at first, but you might find something that feels good, and right. You can start to implement that into your life, try it in different emotional states to see if it works in regulating yourself.

If you do end up with someone staring or commenting on your stims in public, that may give you a setback, but you have to remember that they're the problem, not you. If they have a problem with someone just moving their body in public, they're just bad people. You're not a bad person for stimming. You're not hurting anyone.

And if a child stares, chances are they're just curious, they're just children afterall. Just let them watch and figure it out. If you're brave enough to talk to them, you can explain to them what stimming is and why you do it, and that will help them to grow up to accept it.

Accepting Accommodations

Part of unmasking is learning to accept help and accomodations. We may grow up being told we’re just overreacting when we think something’s too loud, we’re made to believe that our feelings are not valid, and that we should just grin and bare it. If you grew up undiagnosed, then people don't see you as disabled, which only makes them more likely to consider your reactions or behaviour as "overreacting" or "misbehaving". And of course, if you grow up not knowing you're disabled, and no one else knowing you're disabled, you're never even going to be offered any accommodations, so of course you're not likely to accept any either.

You might see needing help and support as shameful, or like you're a "faulty" human, but this is all internalised ableism. There is nothing wrong with needing support and help.

You might have grown up to believe that in asking for help or support, you're just a burden to others around you, and therefore you avoid asking for help to avoid burdening others.

We may even believe that we have to let ourselves struggle through hardships just to validate our disability rather that accepting help that makes our lives easier. Sometimes, suffering is the only thing that makes the imposter syndrome go away, so you will deny accommodations for the sake of proving that you are disabled.

Over time, you can try and recognize that voice in your head that tells you not to burden people with your help, that tells you that you’re just overreacting and you shouldn’t need help. Recognise it, but don’t listen to it. Know that is just your mask talking. Know that it's just internalised ableism talking.

Know that you are not a burden. Especially to people who literally get paid to help you and take care of you. It's their job, you are not burdening them.

Remember that you don’t have to live a life of suffering and struggle just to be validated in your disability. You can accept help and still be disabled.

You can also start implementing accommodations that you can access yourself, like wearing headphones out in public or in loud environment. Wearing sunglasses to avoid bright lights. Allowing yourself these accommodations can help you to see what your life could be if you learn to accept help from those around you as well.

Learning to Say No

Growing up autistic, we can often end up stuck in the fawn response. We are desperate to be accepted, so we make ourselves as likeable and agreeable as possible. And this means sometimes we can put our own needs and wants and boundaries aside, for the sake of agreeing with others.

This is a huge problem for me, and especially in situations like on phone calls where I feel pressured to give an answer then and there, I always end up saying yes. (more on that later)

We can end up agreeing to things we don’t want to do simply because of this fawn response. But this can lead to uncomfortable and even dangerous situations. So it’s important to learn how to say no. Which is certainly easier said than done, but there's ways to slowly break down that instinctual response.

It can start with smaller things that are less likely to cause a scene or confusion. For example, saying no to hugs. This is something I am starting to do more often, as someone who isn't much of a hugger and doesn't like touch from strangers. And it helps that people are starting to ask before just going right in for it. I see more people these days asking "are you a hugger" before hugging, and that makes me feel more comfortable to say "not really". I do wish there was a good alternative though. A handshake is too formal, a fistbump feels to "bro"-y, a high-five feels a little cringey. I need a good alternative that involves less touch but still is a nice gesture, yknow?

But anyway, start with small things. Things that are easier to say no to without impactful consequences. Then over time, you can get more comfortable with advocating for yourself and being more assertive.

Remember that there are ways to say no politely - no won’t always/doesn't have to cause offense.

• “Thanks for the offer, but I’d rather not.”

• “No thanks, i’m alright for now, maybe another time”

• “That’s not really my thing, but thanks for thinking of me!”

Stop Forcing Eye Contact

For those of us who find eye contact uncomfortable, as we grow up we may teach ourselves to force eye contact with others, because if we don’t we’re told that we’re being rude, or that we’re not listening. Of course, this isn't true, but in order to stop these accusations, we end up dealing with the discomfort and forcing eye contact, so avoid having to be told yet again that we're "not listening."

This can be hard to unlearn, but it’s possible.

You can start by looking places near the eyes, but not exactly in the eyes. A lot of autistic people subconsciously do this to cope. You may already subconsciously be doing it.

A lot of eye contact is about regulation - even neurotypicals can get weirded out at eye contact that is too strong (which can equally be an issue for some autistic people). Make sure to look away from time to time.

Over time you can start to make those breaks in eye contact last longer and longer until you get more comfortable in not making much eye contact at all.

If people ever make comments on your lack of eye contact, you can just try to explain that you find it uncomfortable. If they refuse to take that for an answer, thats their problem, not yours. If they're going to let something as negligable as eye contact dictate their interactions with you, that's their loss.

Accepting Silence/Processing Time

As autistic people, sometimes we need a little longer than others to process what is being said to us, and to respond. But for allistics who don’t deal with this slow processing, they might get bored, see it as an awkward silence or as you being rude. So we learn to just blurt out the first thing we think of, to avoid awkward silences. We don’t give ourselves time to properly process and then give a true response.

But allowing yourself this processing time can be important, especially in work environments, but also in situations where consent is important too. This can tie back into the "learning to say no" part. Sometimes we say "yes" before we've even processed, because we don't want to cause any awkward silences. And this can get you into sticky or even dangerous situations.

Or, if you're like me, you might often answer "i don't know" or "maybe" or other non-committant answers, not because you're trying to brush them off or to be rude, but because in that moment you genuinely don't know, and you need more time to commit to an answer.

So allowing yourself this time to process and answer properly is important.

If you struggle with this especially in formal phonecalls or emails, a good phrase to use is “I’ll think about it and get back to you”. In most cases, this will be accepted as a response, and that gives you plenty of time to step away, and really think about it, and make sure you give the correct answer that you want.

If in a face to face conversation, you can use filler like “um” or “uh” or “hmm” to show that you are thinking about it and break up the silence. If you need longer, you can say “come back to me on that” or “I just need some time to think".

With the right people, you may be able to become more comfortable with “awkward” silence, without having to fill it.

So, that's all the unmasking advice I have for today, I hope it's useful! Remember that unmasking is not a smooth linear process. You may have setbacks, and that's ok. There may be situations where you're forced to mask, and that's ok too. Just make sure to take care of yourself, and give yourself rest time afterwards if possible.

Feel free to give your own unmasking tactics and advice in the comments!