How to tell your parents you think you're autistic

If I were to go back in time, and meet me, one year ago, the one thing that younger me would ask now me, is "how did you tell mum?"

As soon as I became more confident in my own self diagnosis, I knew the next step to diagnosis was telling my family, specifically my mother. I would sit there in agony, desperately wishing I could just walk up to her and tell her, but of course, that's not how it works.

As autistics, things like this are so agonisingly difficult. Or at least it is for me. Autism is a spectrum, and all that. But for me, vocalising things like this, things that are so deeply personal, feels impossible. I would script in my head exactly how I'd say it, and daydream up every possible response I might get. But nothing I daydreamed prepared me for the real response I got.

Friday 21st of May, I spent my afternoon typing out a whole message to her, explaining how I thought I was autistic. I made sure to include resources, YouTube videos, and I also made sure to emphasise that I didn't want anything to change in any big way. Because I didn't.

I sent it late that night, with the hopes that she'd see it in the morning and I'd wake up to a response. Well that didn't exactly happen. I spent the whole morning with pit-in-my-stomach anxiety because I had yet to receive a response. I waited, and waited. I started to think she hadn't even seen it. That she'd somehow missed it and we'd get to a week later, when we do our usual weekly FaceTime, and she still wouldn't know.

But then about mid afternoon, I finally got the notification, that she had responded. I panicked, I was terrified, but I opened the email.

Firstly, I consider myself very very lucky in the response I got. I'm so so lucky that I got a positive response. It was more than I could have ever asked for. Some people aren't so lucky, so I just want to say how grateful I am over this response.

The response started with her explaining that she perhaps considered it a few times but thought it was just me, saying "that's how I was at your age, so I thought it was normal." Well if that sentence gives you any clue as to what came next...

She went on to explain how she now realised that it may be the case that she is on the autism spectrum too... and my dad.

She also asked if I was keen on a diagnosis or if I was happy just knowing that autism is a possible answer to me. I'm quite grateful that she asked that. This suggests that she'd still accept me as autistic without a diagnosis. Which is crazy.

Anyway, that was better than any response I could have asked for. To know that I may have just changed all of my families lives for the better.

I responded saying I agreed that i also saw traits in my dad and my brother. It looks like we're just a wonderful family of autistics./gen

Anyway, to get to the point. Why you're probably reading this in the first place, if you didn't already click away. How to tell your parents you might be autistic.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but unfortunately, there just isn't any easy way out of this one. Not that I have discovered anyway. And also its a very individual experience.

Some people may prefer to tell their family out loud, since that may be easier for them. Some may want to go my direction and send a message via e-mail while at a long distance from said family member so you don't have to deal with a direct emotional response.

But if you want some guidelines to help you out, here is my best advice:

• Firstly, choose whichever method makes you most comfortable, not how you think they'll most appreciate it. What they think about how you deliver this news. It's about how is the easiest way for you. No way is easy, but I think we can all agree, we'd always want to choose the easiest route. So if you feel more comfortable writing a letter and slipping it under their door, or telling them straight up to their face, or going the Yo Samdy Sam route and getting drunk and crying into your parents lap. If it sounds like the easiest option, heck, go for it.

• Secondly, just be aware that 9 times out of 10, it will be a lot for them to take in. It may be a bit of a shock for them. It's unlikely that they'll be like "eh alright whatever." I mean, it depends on what your parents are like I guess, but just bare in mind that it will be a shock for them, no matter how you deliver the news, and to be prepared for that. Don't worry, it'll be alright.

• Thirdly, emphasise that it's nothing that they did wrong. Make sure they know that its not their fault for not seeing it sooner, or that they did something wrong in raising you that made you autistic. The more you comfort them that it's nothing they did wrong, the easier they'll take the news.

• Fourth, be prepared for tears. Again, it depends on who your parents are, but if it is a shock for them, which it likely will be, its not unlikely that there will also be some tears too. This is why I was adamant that I had to get this news out while I'm still living in halls. So I wouldn't have to face my crying mother, cause if I'm honest, there's nothing I hate more than seeing my mother cry. It makes me cringe deep into the very core of my being. I hate it. I hate seeing anyone cry. I never know what to do with myself. Anyway, that's an autism thing. I knew I had to get the news out before I left halls, so I wouldn't have to deal with her tears, and also so I didn't have to wait all summer until I was living away again to tell her.

• Finally, rip that plaster off. Or bandaid if you're American. You just have to do it. I know its hard. But you can rip the plaster off and then go curl into a ball and hide from the world for a while until you're ready to handle the reaction. Once its off, you'll feel a weight off your shoulders. If you're like me, I suggest the "sending late at night" method. Knowing they won't see it right away is oddly comforting. It's not like you send it and are immediately awaiting your response. You know they won't see it until morning, so you have at least a moment before you go to sleep to be able to relax somewhat.

Coming out as autistic is very much like coming out as LGBTQ+. Its nerve wracking, and it feels almost the exact same. You're telling someone about a very intimate and personal thing that is scary to tell them. So I must also add something important. If you know that coming out will harm you, either as autistic or LGBT or whatever, if you know that you're unlikely to get a good response or there's a risk you might end up being kicked out or abused, just don't do it. I know its tough, but just don't do it. Wait until you know you're safe. Wait until you know you can fend for yourself if you get kicked out or disowned. This is important. Please.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Feel free to get in contact with me if you have any questions. You can DM me on twitter or instagram, at either @rhia_is_here or @neurodivARMY(twitter)/@neurodiversearmy(insta) and I'll be happy to answer questions if I can.

Thanks for reading!