Chronic, Intensive Internalisation

I've had a sudden rush of inspiration, so here I am.

I haven't written a post in a while because I've been busy with my new job! I might write another post about that in the future if I get the chance/inspiration. But anyway, for now, I want to write about something else. Something that basically defines my entire existence, especially as an autistic person.

Chronic, intensive internalisation.

So what exactly does this mean? Well, internalisation refers to keeping thoughts and feelings inside and not expressing them. Intensive is what it is - intense - to a high degree. Chronic means constant, never-ending.

I think I've spent the majority of my life very intensely internalising my emotions. Especially since I was a teenager, I think. As a kid I think I might have felt a bit more open to express things. And I don't necessarily think there was any particular moment or trauma source of this internalisation - if there was, I've blocked it out of my memory. But the thought of expressing emotions in front of other people makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Though on the contrary, sometimes I dream about it. I'm that person who enjoys hurt/comfort style fiction. I enjoy the angst, and I believe it relates to my tendency to internalise. I wish I could be comforted like what I read or see in fiction or film, but of course, I can't, because I deny there's anything wrong in the first instance.

I don't really know why I do this. Like I said, I don't think it stems from any trauma or anything. I don't think I was ever really denied the right to express my emotions. It's just like, as soon as I feel any sort of negative emotion, my brain and body panic, and shut it all down. It puts on a front, forces a smile, and I have to pretend everything's ok, until I can be in a space on my own, to let it all out. This is likely why I only ever really experience shutdowns and not meltdowns. Because I so intensively keep everything inside that I actively struggle to let it out, even when I am alone. And so when I am alone, it comes out as silent crying and dissociation. I don't want to be loud and attract any attention, so I've learnt to cry silently.

The truth is, the only way I can express these emotions is through writing. That's why it means so much to me. That's why I studied it, that's why I write this blog, that's why I write. It's part of the reason I renamed this blog to Autism Writes. Because writing is how I express my emotions. It's the only real way I can get my thoughts from inside my brain, out into the real world...

I'm getting a little emotional writing this now...

Through all the times I dealt with imposter syndrome, that devil on my shoulder telling me that I'm not actually autistic, that the psychologist who diagnosed me was wrong, didn't assess me thoroughly enough (yes, unfortunately, imposter syndrome persists even after diagnosis); through all that, I still sit here and struggle to express myself. It's a lonely experience. Living in a world of people who talk, who speak, who share their feelings and emotions and I feel like I just can't do that. It's lonely.

I'm so so glad that I live in a day and age where I can connect with people through the internet. Without the internet, I probably wouldn't have any friends at all right now.

As lonely as an experience as it can be to have this struggle, there's something beautiful about it. I'm so glad I have the ability to write, and that, apparently, people value the things I write. People say I'm good at writing. I doubt that sometimes, (turns out imposter syndrome exists outside of autism too), but I when I can learn to accept that compliment, I really do feel grateful that I was given this "gift". I don't know what I'd do without it.

The truth is, I express myself in ways other than spoken word, and I think as lonely and isolating as that can be in this world, it's also beautiful, and it means I can create things that resonate with people.

Anyway, This is me just writing without a plan, going on a tangent, as usual. There are still other things I want to talk about, so I need to get myself back on track...

I feel like this intense need to internalise can leave me with the issue of people thinking "There's nothing wrong with you". That feeds into my own imposter syndrome too, in that sometimes I feel like I don't struggle as much as others do, when the truth is, I do. I just shove it all down to the depths of my brain to deal with it some other time. I don't express it like other people do. When I'm burnt out, I can't express my exhaustion, my depression. Because I can't express it, I have to pretend everything's still ok, which means I end up floating my way through the world, still doing things like I normally would, despite feeling awful.

The devil on my shoulder tells me "Well if you truly struggled, you wouldn't be able to keep that up anymore and you would break whether you like it or not", and maybe that's true, but this internalisation is just part of the struggle, so would that really be the case?

I don't know the answers. Human existence is so utterly confusing and is isolated to our own brains, so I'll never really know. It's so individual, my experience will never be exactly the same as anyone else's. It could be similar, but it will never be exactly the same, and that's as scary and isolating as it is beautiful.

I'm listening to music while writing this, as I do most of the day. I can't survive without music, honestly. As a kid, I would always listen to music as I fell asleep, and I would struggle to sleep without it. I grew up with an affinity for music. If i had to have a "savant" ability, it probably would be music. I was always told i was especially talented in it. When I started learning the flute, I was told often how fast i was picking it up and learning. I always enjoyed singing, I picked up instruments easily, teaching myself keyboard, guitar, ukulele, among others. Music has always been a constant in my life.

I got a tattoo recently, I don't believe I mentioned it here, but its a stave and music notes, in the shape of an infinity sign. The infinity sign obviously refers to autism, and music is so special to me and my life, and the two interact very strongly. I have a painting done by my mum in my room here, and on it is the quote "where words fail, music speaks", a quote from Hans Christian Andersen. It defines my life pretty well.

Aside from writing, music is probably the other key way in which I can express my emotions freely without fear or restriction. It means so much to me.

Some might think, well if you have this talent in music, why not use it? Why not make a career out of it? It's simple - because it's too special to me to be ruined by the pressure of work, and money. I reserve music for my own personal expression. I don't want it to be ruined for me.

I like to think I experience music differently from neurotypicals. Obviously, I don't have a neurotypical brain, so I wouldn't know what it's like to experience music from their perspective, but music holds such importance to me and my life that I think I must experience it differently in some capacity.

Anyway, that was another tangent. Music is one of the few ways I can express myself, not just playing/making it but listening to it too.

This was just a sort of stream-of-consciousness blog. All of these are, to be honest. I don't put much effort into planning or editing them because I want this to be a raw expression of my internal experience. This is how I express myself, after all. If I want people to know who I truly am, and how I think, I need to write without planning or editing. So I hope this is at least somewhat understandable and not awful to read.

Anyway, that's all for today. I need to get back to listening to music and thinking about life and chatting with friends :)