Autistic Frustration.

I know a lot of media within the autistic community is mixed. We like to preach that being autistic is wonderful, and yet at the same time there are many things about it that suck. Yes I'm proud of being autistic, but it can also become very frustrating, and isolating.

The main characteristic of autism, is (arguably) a struggle with social connection, however that may be. Whether it's a struggle with non verbal communication and body language, or struggles with verbal communication, a struggle with connecting with other humans seems to be the one thing that all autistics experience. In my opinion, its the one thing that separates an autist from an allistic. Its the one defining characteristic that proves that not everyone is "on the spectrum" (as my new housemates have said twice now... unfortunately I'm not brave enough to call them out on it)

Unfortunately this one characteristic is also the most isolating, and frustrating, in my experience. I know there are some autistics out there who are good at masking, or have no issues with verbal communication, so this may not be as much of an issue for them, but for me its a huge struggle. I can connect with people online, through discord servers or twitter or whatever. But in person, its such a huge struggle. Its exhausting, and I can't help but feel like its also slightly humiliating.

I sit and watch while all my other classmates talk and laugh with each other, while I'm sat to the side, or stuck in the middle, not talking or connecting in any way. It feels like I'm a ghost, they probably forget I'm there. I feel like there's no point in me being there in the first place, a lot of the time. I try and at least stand near groups of people so I have someone I can be with if need be, but even then, I'm the tag along. I'm the one at the back of the group, the one who doesn't talk unless spoken to. It's frustrating.

I want to connect to people. I want friends, I want to be able to talk, I want to be able to talk to people and connect with them and have at least a small friendship so I'm not just the one on the side, the awkward creepy one.

I feel awkward when I go to the café at uni and sit alone at a table, eating alone, and then leaving to the LRC to work at a computer for a while, alone, and then leaving for class, alone, and then sitting in class, alone.

And its not like I'm completely lonely, i have friends, they just live all over the planet, and not here. And I get along with my housemates. They're all nice, but we only really ever see each other in passing, or the odd night where we chill in the kitchen and chat. Even then, I still feel bad a lot of the time, because they're the ones who do all the talking. They're all pretty talkative, and even the other introvert in the house is more talkative than me.

I rarely say a word when we all chat together. And I feel bad, cause I wonder if they think I don't like them, or if they wish they hadn't asked me to move in with them in the first place. I didn't know these people until I moved in, because of course I had no friends last year, so I had no one to move in with, and unfortunately living in halls/dorms for second year wasn't an option. They just reached out to me through the wonders of social media, since they needed an extra person to move in with, and now here I am. I just can't help but feel bad that I don't speak much. When I was moving in and my mum was here to help move my stuff and all that, she was speaking with them, saying I'd probably open up and talk eventually, but even then I knew that probably wouldn't happen. It'll take a while. I never opened up to my flatmates last year, despite living with them for just as long.

Living the way I'm living right now is isolating, and its frustrating. I get so angry that I can't just open my mouth and talk. I get jealous when I see people who can talk, and have conversations, and it seems so effortless. I get jealous of people who can go to interviews and talk fine and get a job and it not be an agonising and humiliating process. I have only ever been to one interview in my life so far, but I know the next interview I get will be hard, and I probably won't get a job, still. Its annoying when I see jobs advertised, and they all say in the requirements listed "good communication skills", and I sit and stare at it knowing that I don't have that. And yet I apply anyway, because I feel like I have to.

The fact is, I'm not good at masking. I can force myself to make eye contact as much as possible, and I can try and hide my stims some, but I can't pretend to be sociable, I can't force myself to talk more, I can't put on false facial expressions. I just never learnt to do that.

Most late diagnosed people use masking as their reason they don't have a diagnosis yet or got one late. They use the fact that they would mask their traits as a reason no one ever suspected they could be autistic, but I don't really have that excuse, cause I've never been good at masking. I guess its just a case that no one noticed, but then that makes me feel doubtful again. If no one noticed my autistic traits when I wasn't even masking, then how can I even call myself autistic?

Well, I know I'm autistic because of all these struggles I deal with 24/7. Its just annoying that no one ever thought to point it out or mention anything. It's annoying that no one ever seemed to notice. But I guess also that just came with me being the shadow, the ghost, the one not perceived unless necessary.

Along the same sort of route, I've heard it said before, and I don't remember where this came from but, to a lot of autistic people, 'family are like close strangers'. And I can relate to that. I love my family of course, but at the same time, I still have all the same struggles with them as I do the rest of society. I still struggle to talk to and communicate with them a lot of the time.

The worst part is when I want to express my love for them, but for some reason it feels impossible. When my mum ends our weekly facetime with 'love you', I want to say it back, but for some reason those words just feel so incredibly hard to say. And the longer I go without saying it, the harder it gets, because I know if I do finally say it it will be a big deal, and that just adds a layer of fear to the prospect of saying those words. When you struggle to connect to your own family, it's rather heart breaking. I know a lot of "autism moms" would probably use the 'family are like close strangers' quote to contribute to their sob story, how hard it is for them knowing their autistic child doesn't love them, but they don't think about what its like for us, as usual.

They don't think about how rough it is for us as autistics, knowing we should be close to this family, knowing we want to be, but we just struggle to do so. It's horrible, and I feel so bad knowing that my family might think I don't love them. I hope they know so.

Anyway, I don't really know where I was going with this post. I think this is just one of my places to vent out current thoughts and feelings. But anyway, as long as you enjoyed reading or related in any way. That's all that matters.

Its been a while, I don't remember how I end these lol.

See ya in the next one I guess.