Autism and Gender/Sexuality

Happy Pride Month!

Its been a while since I've written a proper blog post here. I've had one in drafts but I've been struggling to write recently. Also just focusing on my uni assignments meant I didn't have any time to write any blog posts, but now that's all over, and since its pride, what better an excuse to write another post.

My own gender identity and sexuality is something that has baffled me for a while now. It seems to be always changing, since I just can't really work out where I stand. At this point, I just say I'm unlabelled, because I have no idea. When it comes to sexuality, I tend to just have the mindset of "well, if I love someone, I love them." and that's it. Trying to use a label feels limiting. I guess this seems counter intuitive for an autistic. I know a lot of autistics like to use labels because we like to have solid answers. If things are left in question it can be a little disconcerting for us. But in this situation, i just can't help but feel more restricted by labels. I hesitate to call myself a lesbian when a man might come along one day who is an exception or something. All I know, is I'm not straight, and I'm not cis.

Confusion around gender is common in autistics. Gender is a social construct. Its a set of rules as to how we have to present and be referred to, based on our physical sex, but gender itself can be separated from sex. Hence why transgender people exist.

But with gender being a social construct, this often makes it harder for autistics to understand. We don't understand social constructs. Especially recently my feelings about gender have gotten more confusing. I feel uncomfortable referring to myself as a "woman". It feels wrong. But I'm definitely not a man either. I'm just a person.

I have a style, things i like to wear. I like to wear skirt sometimes, but i also like to wear leggings and hoodies, and sometimes i like to keep my hair long and other times i like to keep it short. Because i present mostly feminine, its made me question my true validity in being non-binary. Even that label never really felt comfortable. I present what society calls feminine. But i don't want to be seen as such. I don't want to be perceived as any gender. I don't want to go out wearing a skirt with long hair and have people see me and think "feminine". And in the same sense, i don't want to do out in a hoodie with short hair and my facial hair left to grow out a little more, and have people view me as more "masculine". I don't want people to view me as either. I just want to be seen as a person, who looks a certain way. A person who wears a skirt, because they think it looks cute and that's all that matters. A person who keeps their hair short because they think its cute and that's all that matters.

I don't like to label my gender. When it comes to pronouns, I usually just say I'm fine with any. At the end of the day, most of the time when you're referred to with 3rd person pronouns, its because you're not present. You're not there to hear it, so for me, that means 'why should I care?' If I'm not there to hear it, why should I care how I'm referred to? I understand for others that's not the case, but for me personally, as someone who doesn't like to label their gender, I just don't care. I often refer to myself with female pronouns because that's what I've been used to my whole life but also I'm fine with other pronouns too. It's difficult to say what makes me comfortable when I'm hardly ever there to hear it anyway.

Anyway, sorry for this somewhat ramble-y quick post. I just thought it would be good to get something out for pride month.

All the love to all the queer and trans autistics out there. 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️❤️