ADHD and Binge Eating/Sugar Addiction

I know its been a while. Not that I really have any regular readers lol.

Anyway, I remembered this exists and I thought I should come on here and write another one, so here that is.

I've tried to offer some sort of advice with all of these, but I don't think I can with this one. In this case, I'm the one looking for advice. Maybe if you are also struggling with this, then reading this can help you in some small way, by at least knowing that there is someone else out there dealing with this too.

So lets go to the beginning. When did this first start?

I remember the day quite clearly. I was sat at home after school, left alone while my mother went and took the dog out for a walk. It was January, not that long after my birthday. I had been given chocolates for my birthday, as often happens. You know, its the classic "I don't know what to get you" gift.

Anyway, in that moment, I was at home alone, and my brain just said:

"You're home alone. There's no one to tell you otherwise. Go on, have one."

And so I did.

I had one of my chocolates, feeling rebellious and cheeky, knowing that my mother will never know.

From then on, every time I was home alone, I would sneakily raid the cupboards of anything sweet and sugary and just generally bad for you. I would binge until I was full. And then dinner came around. Since no one knew about this little habit, I would force myself to eat as much dinner as I physically could, so I wouldn't look suspicious. I didn't want my mother thinking I wasn't eating, nor did I want her to get suspicious that I was indulging when she wasn't home.

This carried on for years. I mean years. It's been a long time, and I've still not really be able to get a hold of it. It's like the moment I'm home alone, my muscle memory picks me up and takes me over to the kitchen and through the cupboards.

This got worse the more time I spent alone. After my GCSEs when I was home alone most of the day while my mother was at work, I would make my own lunch. Then one day came, I was craving dominos, intensely. It was a very intense craving, and this thing in my brain said:

"You've got plenty of time. Mum doesn't come home til 2:30. If you order now, you can get it, eat it, and dispose of the evidence all before she gets home."

And that's what I did.

This happened a couple times after that. The only thing stopping me was the fact I didn't have enough money to indulge that often.

Then after going through college, where I would sneak to McDonalds after, since it was just down the road; every time we went into town and I had the chance to go off on my own I'd go and buy several bars of chocolate, bags of sweets/candy; every time I was sent to the corner shop to do errands I would buy myself an extra something with extra money and eat if before I got home, or sneak it to my room and eat it with no one knowing.

After all that, I then moved to uni. Suddenly I was left completely to my own devices. It was up to me what I ate and when. I told myself for months, years before, that I would take that as an opportunity to get a hold of this terrible habit, but of course, that didn't happen. That's not how ADHD works.

Yes, this was all thanks to ADHD. ADHD is caused by a lack of dopamine in the brain. What's the best way to get a quick burst of dopamine? Sugar. Tasty food. And so I couldn't just turn it off and stop. I couldn't just get to uni and suddenly eat healthy meals.

I went on to live off oven pizzas, since it turned out it took a lot more motivation than i thought to cook a proper meal for myself. I would often indulge in fast food, since McDonalds and Dominos was just round the corner from halls. Once I got the confidence to do delivery, I often did that. Even though McDonalds was just round the corner, I still got delivery because, well, it was easier.

I would get delivery when my roommates had friends over in the kitchen cause I was too scared to face them knowing they'd be judging what I eat and cook, and just generally judging my existence. I didn't want that, so it was easier just to order takeaway that I could eat in my room without having to step foot in my kitchen.

It got... really bad.

No matter how much I tried, I just had no self control. And I'm not proud of all this in the slightest.

The truth to binge eating and sugar addiction that no one in wider society really sees, is the intense struggle and shame that comes with it. It's not just because we're lazy and can't get off our asses to exercise or whatever.

I would stand in the shop aisle, staring at shelves full of chocolate and sweets and sugar, and I'd bite my lip as my mind fights itself, screaming over itself.

"TAKE IT!" "NO YOU DON'T NEED IT ITS UNHEALTHY" "BUT IT'LL BE FUN CMON JUST THIS ONCE" "YOU DON'T NEED IT. IT'LL STILL BE HERE NEXT TIME YOU DON'T NEED IT. ITS NOT GOING ANYWHERE."

My hands would feel numb as they grab several chocolate bars, and bags of sweets and snacks and all things bad. I'd feel the shame weighing down on my shoulders as I'd scan them all at the self checkout. I'd feel the self criticism growing as I paid for it and put in a bag and walked back knowing I'd probably finish it all by the end of the day.

You'd think all this shame and self criticism would stop me from doing it, but no. It doesn't work like that. Because the side of my brain screaming "I NEED IT" was just too loud. ADHD isn't just like a gremlin on your shoulder. It is you. You can't just brush it off and ignore it.

What makes this even worse for me, is the added complications of also dealing with PCOS. That makes these horrible habits appear physically on my body. The stretch marks and dark hair growing on my upper lip are like a constant reminder of years of bingeing. They're constant reminders telling me I need to get a grip and be healthy again, but I can't. The imminent threat of type 2 diabetes on the horizon still isn't enough for my brain to just stop. Because it doesn't work like that.

It doesn't help that also having autism means it's hard for me to find healthy foods and snacks that I can actually stomach without freaking out and gagging. Unfortunately all the nicest foods happen to be sugary carbs. And it also means its even harder to find the motivation to get out and exercise, when the thought of having to get ready, go out, probably socialise, its too exhausting on its own. If just thinking about the mere concept of this is exhausting, how am I meant to actually do it?

I should preface that this isn't about size for me. I'm lucky I'm dealing with this at a time where love and support surrounds me online, many people preaching body neutrality and positivity, making me feel loved regardless of the size and shape of my body, though there are still many others who talk against this. They seem convinced that size directly correlates with health and that it's easy to be healthy and all those who aren't are just lazy slobs who need to stop eating and get off their asses and run on a treadmill for a while.

Those who have the privilege of having been skinny all their life don't know how hard it can be. You can't lose weight in a day. It take months and years of work. But even then, what about people with injuries and disabilities that make it harder to exercise without being in pain. What about people like me who have medical conditions that mean that it's extra hard for us to lose weight, that mean its extra easy to gain weight. What about people with neurological disorders like ADHD and Autism that mean having a healthy diet is just extra hard without being put through the torture of going through sensory overload every time we eat, without dealing with the intense mental fight we go through to try and avoid binging unhealthy food.

I wish I could just put these people in my brain and my body for even just a day, and realise how much of a struggle it is.

Anyway, my point is, dealing with binge eating and sugar addiction is so so so hard, and all those who criticise us for being "lazy" or "greedy" for it, only make things worse.

Treat us with kindness, help us out with genuine intensions to help us be healthy, not just to force us to lose weight and fit into societies standards.

That is all.

:)